Down-trodden times...

I'm going to preface this by saying I have reached a high point of impatience as of today. I don't know what brought it on except for the fact that I've now had to take a pain killer 3 of the last 4 days for my thumb.

I don't believe that it's because it hasn't been healing that it is hurting, but I do think that a combination of the lack of movement in my hand, the sensitivity of my skin underneath the cast and the wires in my thumb are creating the pain and discomfort. It's just that it is starting to get to me.

Initially I didn't want to write that as I have been using this blog more to help me sort out these messes and come out with the positive. But I can't ignore it, and really I did want to know the ugly side of what I'd be dealing with. But instead of focusing on my mental state I'm sitting hear getting frustrated with my cast and thumb. I had a chat with my coach tonight, and he expressed concern about my swimming and whether or not I'd be able to get enough practice in before the race. Truth is, I don't know... I imagine not. I won't have swum since July 9th, and so even a 1k or 1.5k swim will feel tough I imagine. So, getting to 3.8k? I have no idea how that'll be. He didn't help in sounding as worried as I was, but I understand the concern. The truth is: I am not ready for the swim... And I can't predict how I'm going to respond on (optimistically) 7-8 days of swimming...

I'm just being honest... I am scared of what is coming up. I don't know what is going on under my cast and that has me in knots. My nerves are rattled.

I rode on the trainer for 2 hours today on a workout planned by Dean. And I have a scheduled 29k with the Running Room in the morning tomorrow. I have taken Thursday and Friday off to kick start my tapering, and I think the let-down has also affected my mood a bit. Good thing I don't have a steady girlfriend right now or she might not want to be around... Actually, I'm feeling quite anti-social... I was at the Stormy 64k Ultramarathon to watch some friends compete. My friend Rachel came in 2nd overall for the women, which was incredible. I think watching that was the best thing as it took my mind off my arm. I'll tell that story when I finish downloading the pictures.

I think that a lot of what I'm frustrated with is that I really have hoped to come to Ironman in the best shape of my life. Coming off a personal best in Osoyoos, where the injury occurred in the first place, I had such a great feeling about where I'd come. And even training through the injury, biking my long rides and getting in my runs, I felt stronger and stronger. Now, with two weeks until race day, I'm at a crossroads. The next few days could determine the final chapter to this story, and I have no choice but to attack them, day by day, and do what I can... The thing is, I can't do much... I'm supposed to rest...

Arguably, this can be the toughest time for most athletes. The Taper. It seems like a good notion at first... after all, getting some relief from a year of building is a wonderful luxury to be appreciated. And, for a couple of days, it's wonderful... Except after that you get restless, and tempted to feel undertrained. That's where I am at. It's a natural process as my body enters "uber-recovery", but it's far from comfortable. In fact it is quite rough. And, mentally, I'm adding the fact that my workouts are compromised with my thumb, and not riding outside, and not swimming, and taking a T-3 just to sleep...

It's all a bit unnerving....

I'm doing what I can do right now. I am eating a lot of fruits and veggies, and drinking lots of water. I'm taking vitamins and Omega-3's, and catching 15-20 minutes of sun at a time in orde to get my vitamin D. I'm washing my right hand more often to avoid germs... Essentially, I am creating a bubble-boy environment to avoid infection or colds, as the super-recovery also means I am more susceptible to such ailments.

And to mood swings. Normally mild-mannered and emotionally level, I feel lately like my heart is breaking for no apparent reason, as though the Ironman is a relationship that is coming to an end and I can't stop it or do anything about it.

I've turned to my creature comforts. Watching James Bond movies as I go to bed early (to rise by 5am for work and preparing for that Ironman wake-up call)... Reading inspiring literature and quotes, and writing.

I've begun to try to take back control of my situation and go back to my basics, in other words. I did, after all, choose to compete in this event. I paid for it, planned for it, and have invested my time, money and body into it. My choice, nobody elses...

This hurts right now... But I REALLY want to race right now. I'm so hungry for it I can taste it already. I really want to conquer this challenge and take that to the Ironman.

I know what I will do the moment the cast comes off, the pins come off and the holes in my thumb have healed up... I'm going for a plunge in the ocean...

"Being a Champion means finishing what you start!" - Lisa Bentley